The Atlanta Braves second half preview you didn’t know you needed

Let’s Get Weird, Pt. 2

After what can only be described as a tremendous and (perhaps unexpected) first half of the season, the second half and the forthcoming stretch run is upon us. (As an aside, I always thought the phrase “stretch run” was weird. Sounds like something that would happen to a pair of panty hose. Anyway…) Everyone’s favorite baseball team is six games ahead in the division, which is of course what every expert predicted after this offseason.

Baseball is boring when it’s so predictable.

The second half should look to feature the Braves as they look to defend their division title and protect their lead from the likes of the surging Nationals, the Stupid Money Phillies, and our lovable chair-throwing crazies from Queens (sorry, even I laughed that I included the Mets). Here’s a few things that you can expect — and maybe a couple of bold predictions — for the Braves second half.

The Braves will replace Charlie Culberson

When the Braves acquired Culberson as an apparent throw-in as part of The Adrian Gonzalez Trade™, no one could’ve predicted that Culberson would become the asset that he has been. He’s been a tremendous bench bat, been a very capable defender at multiple positions, has been an incredible hitter in late game situations, and even held his own as a relief pitcher. But isn’t it basically a matter of time before the clock strikes twelve and the man turns back into a pumpkin? I’m predicting that it’ll happen, but not because he will be an ineffective player or his skills begin to diminish, but because after a walkoff home run in August, Charlie will finally ascend into heaven to take his rightful place among the rest of the angels. With his work on earth complete and his eternal status at the right hand of The Big Guy Himself secured, the Braves will be left to the waiver wire to try to find his rightful successor. Can’t wait for Charlie Culberson “Ascension” Bobblehead Night!

He’s already begun his heavenly flight.

The Braves will trade for a starter not named Madison Bumgarner

As we know, the Twitterverse has been ablaze with all sorts of rumors and prognostications concerning MadBum’s impending departure from the San Francisco Giants, and many have identified Atlanta as a likely destination. Some suggest that the Braves would even give up some serious prospects just for MadBum’s assistance in the stretch run. I don’t see it happening. It makes some sense, considering that The Only Redneck In San Francisco probably would like the ability to eat at a Waffle House without leaving his neighborhood, but aside from that, there’s no reason that the Braves would entertain this. Even with Will Smith included in the trade and MadBum as his DJ Jazzy Jeff, I see Braves GM Alex Anthopoulos looking elsewhere for starting pitching help. Man, GM’s just don’t understand.

Blooper gets fired for trying to hit on the Phillie Phanatic

Now, we all know love takes many forms, and who am I to say that two star-crossed mascots shouldn’t be together if that’s what their hearts desire, but the Braves and Phillies might as well be the Montagues and the Capulets. This is a division race we are in here, and it’s time our mascots start acting like it and stay away from the funny business. We all know Blooper to be a stubborn individual who wears his heart on his sleeve, and with all that money he stole from Bryce Harper and Manny Machado, he really doesn’t need a job anyway, so I predict that Blooper follows his heart and pursues the one whom his soul loves. Name a more iconic mascot couple, I’ll wait.

Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

Baseball is a wild game, so the possibilities are endless. Maybe the Braves sign The Freeze as a pinch runner. Maybe Ender Inciarte gets attacked after a Stripers game and all of us think it’s an inside job to keep him off the field. Maybe you were able to read this article without regretting it. No matter what happens, let’s all enjoy our favorite team play the world’s greatest sport. We have a young and exciting team with a ton of potential — let’s try to enjoy the game as much as they do.