In which we perform the most ambitious sports crossover in history.
Cool, that was nice.
Game Recap in Three Sentences
The offense hummed along to the tune of 572 total yards and 30 first downs.
Aaron Philo got some reps at QB after backup Zach Pyron accounted for three scores.
The defense clamped down well, holding VMI to just 104 total yards 1-13 on third downs.
Above The Line of the Week
- Taking care of business. No messing around, just unload on the buy-game opponent and move on.
- Fall drinks. Oktoberfest, pumpkin cider, it’s all coming back baby.
- Zach Pyron. What a show for us Pyron-maniacs.
5 Star (7 Star, 5 Star) Developmental Program Haiku of the Week
Just get it all out
Scream, yell, and win by fifty
Keep getting better
2024 Opponents as Tennis Players
If you read this column with any regularity (my sincere thanks weirdos), you know I’m a tennis guy. I don’t really have anything to say about the VMI game, so let’s do a bit of crossover: here are your 2024 opponents as the (male) tennis player they most closely resemble from a pure vibes perspective.
Florida State – Dominic Thiem
Dominic Thiem was one of the hottest tickets in tennis when he won the 2020 US Open, but a wrist injury soon afterwards completely derailed his career (he sadly retired after a first round loss in this year’s US Open). It’s obviously not quite the same, but the Seminoles have not been the same since Jordan Travis’s injury and if things don’t change then it’s going to be Mike Norvell with a derailed career.
Georgia State – Petros Tsitsipas
You’ve probably never heard of Petros Tsitsipas, but you may have heard of his older brother, Stefanos. No one really thinks about Georgia State compared to their big brothers in the state either, but they do still play games.
Syracuse – Casper Ruud
Playing a cakewalk schedule against inferior opponents to get an inflated record/ranking? Check. It pains me to say it because I love Casper and he’s actually a fantastic player, but he’s known as the “250 merchant” because he plays a ton of lower level tournaments that boost his record but he can’t quite get over the hump at the big tournaments (most years he doesn’t even get past the first round at Wimbledon). Like the Orange did when they got a ton of hype for starting 4-0 in 2023 before getting waxed in five straight conference losses, Casper is gonna crush an easy schedule but then probably get bounced in the fourth round of a major once he faces a higher caliber player.
VMI – JJ Wolf
JJ Wolf probably has the best name of any American player out there (and maybe hair too), but he’s never really done much past the challenger level that’s sorta kinda analogous to FCS. He wins some at the lower level, but you really only hear of him when he gets blasted in the first round of a big tournament by a top seed (and yes, tennis players do get paid for first round losses, much like FCS teams get paid for beatdowns at the hands of the P4).
Louisville – Holger Rune
Holger Rune has been “the next big thing” in tennis for about five years now but much like Louisville, he’s struggled to actually live up to the hype he constantly gets. Take 2023 for example. Rune finished the season in the top 10 (a great achievement) but only had one title to show for it, while the Cardinals looked to be having their best season yet before completely face-planting in their final three games. Maybe they’ll both live up to the hype one of these years, but for now I’m not believing it.
Duke – Borna Coric
Duke can be a confusing football program. Most seasons they don’t amount to much, but every now and then they pull off a good season or a few surprising wins. Borna Coric has a career win rate of just over 50%, but a few times a year he’ll pull off a great win over a top 10 player.
North Carolina – Alexander Bublik
You know the “Sometimes maybe good, sometimes maybe s**t” video? That’s kinda UNC and Bublik. Both have a ton of talent but screw around a lot and never make the most of it. If only they could focus for a whole season maybe they could make waves, but UNC can’t get past good ole Georgia Tech or win a bowl game and Bublik can’t get past the intrusive thought to hit the ball with the handle of his racket. UNC now employs everyone’s least favorite MINISTER OF MAYHEM, and if there’s a player that’s pure mayhem on a tennis court, it’s Bublik.
Notre Dame – Alexander Zverev
Notre Dame is probably the most hate-watched elite team in the country; everyone has great fun when they lose, usually because they do it in funny ways on the biggest stages. Alexander Zverev is that bumbling villain in the tennis world; the vast majority of fans don’t like him, he’s been a perennial top 5ish player for a while now, and every time he plays in a big semi-final or final he loses in hilarious fashion (often by giving up a huge two-sets-to-love comeback). Like the Irish, he’s obviously in the upper echelon of the sport but he’s never going to win the big one and always gets memed into oblivion when the bright lights are inevitably too much.
Virginia Tech – Felix Auger-Aliassime
In recent years Virginia Tech has been a bit of a media darling – they seem to always be a popular dark horse ACC pick. Meanwhile, Felix Auger-Aliassime has probably been the most popular dark horse at every grand slam for the past two years (not to win, but to make a big run). Virginia Tech has great pedigree, history, and traditions while Felix is an always-smiling, friendly Canadian with a very aesthetically pleasing style – what’s not to love about either of them? It’s likely they’ll both crash out early, but they’re easy to like so they get a pass.
Miami – Andrey Rublev
If there’s a single player with a wealth of talent that just can’t get out of his own way mentally, it’s Andrey Rublev. He’s an amazing player with tons of weapons, but a lot of his big wins are counterbalanced by strange losses where he smacks himself in the knee or head with his racket hard enough to draw blood. Mario Cristobal knows a thing or two about being your own worst enemy (how funny is it that everyone knows exactly what that link is before even clicking on it). Miami and Rublev both will look really awesome for a while, but eventually the wheels will come off and the crash will be fiery.
NC State – Tommy Paul
Through some weird deal with the devil, NC State is a perennial 8-4 team: never bad, never great, generally looks good in a few big wins but can’t seem to break the ceiling. American Tommy Paul has been much the same over the past couple years. He’s obviously very talented and has shown he can often hang with the top guys, but he juuuust can’t seem to break through. He’s a good bet to make the quarterfinals of a slam but that’s typically his upper limit, just like NC State will win plenty of games but fall just shy of playing in anything like an ACC Championship or winning a bowl game.
Georgia – Novak Djokovic
Everyone and their grandmother knows that Georgia is at the top of the college football world right now. If you’re even loosely aware of tennis, you similarly know who Novak Djokovic is; he’s widely considered to be the greatest player of all time. He’s essentially a cyborg on court – he rarely makes any mistakes, his fitness is top class, and he’ll grind anyone down to a pulp. Have y’all watched the UGA defense over the past few years? Yeah. Djokovic is also the king of making up perceived slights and affronts for motivation.
Look Ahead
Up next is Louisville (9/21, 3:30pm). Like many recent years, the Cardinals have started 2024 with a lot of hype. They’ve crushed their first two (easy non-conference) opponents and enter this game as somewhere around a 10 point favorite. All three of our meetings have been high-scoring affairs and I’m expecting no different this year. While we’re definitely the underdogs, I think we have a decent shot at a win if we can just get a few stops on defense. We can control the clock with our ground game, and Haynes King should be feeling good about his arm after the VMI tune up.