Welcome to the Friday Tailgate, the place where we do, well, all sorts of stuff in order to pass the time between the five o’clock Friday whistle and Saturday’s kickoff.
This afternoon we’ve got a new and special feature, as a couple of folks well-known on UGA Twitter, our own Garrett Shearman (@GarrettShearman) and his good friend Brody (@brobroma) joined forces for a good-natured back and forth on the nature of the (non)rivalry between Georgia and South Carolina. It’s like Plato’s Dialogues, if you stripped out the discourse on the ordering of the soul and the polis and inserted some Will Muschamp and Masters humor (which is to say, a vast improvement). Enjoy.
G: Hey everyone. My name is Garrett, I’m a proud Georgia alumnus who’s happy to be in my first season contributing here at Dawg Sports. Along for the ride, I’ve asked my good friend Brody, to help contribute to some of my columns.
B: Hello, everyone! Unfortunately, I attended the University of South Carolina for my graduate degree. Fortunately, I’m more than used to degrading my self-worth.
G: Well, with South Carolina, I’m not sure there’s much worth to start with, if any.
B: South Carolina: the punching bag of the rest of the nation since 1860.
G: Ooh, a Civil War joke, getting fancy are we?
B: Fort Sumter was the only Civil War joke I could think of!
G: It seems a little egregious as an alumnus of college football’s top-ranked school and reigning national champions to pick on South Carolina.
B: South Carolina’s biggest rivals are Clemson and Georgia, so they’re probably into that kind of stuff.
G: I thought they were the Gamecocks not the Gamecucks.
B: They try to hide the L sound in “cluck.” They’re too busy hearing L everywhere else.
G: You know, I’ve been to both ends of the Columbia Bowl, and I’ve got to say, somehow Missouri wins out.
B: “Missouri wins out” – what you only normally hear after they play Georgia in November.
G: Amidst all the trash talk that naturally exists in SEC culture, I’m gonna be the bigger man here and avoid mentioning how Sakerlina’s trophy case has less hardware than a Home Depot that went out of business.
B: And no, Spencer, rattlers don’t count as a tool.
G: I’m too kind to mention how the one time you had hopes of winning an SEC Championship, you were crapped upon by *checks notes* a team coached by Gene Chizik.
B: We also missed out on an SEC championship due to Will Muschamp, so at least we’ve got that in common.
G: You know I ran into Will Muschamp in a restaurant front a few weeks ago?
B: Well Will Muschamp knows something about running straight into fronts!
G: I’m certainly too conscious of a sports fan to say anything about Greyson Lambert (of all people) setting an NCAA completion percentage record that made Spurrier quit coaching football. Hell, we all know Spurrier was there because he could live within an alligator’s crawling distance from Augusta National.
B: If only he could score as low as +52 the week after at Augusta National.
G: And never, ever would I mention that I say all of this with love as my sister is married to a South Carolina grad from our hometown, and since she doesn’t care about sports, it makes me so happy to see her borrow one of her husband’s USC Jr. hats and not know what she’s not missing.
B: As a proud South Carolina graduate student, I can guarantee the only thing she’s missing is the ability to display her COCKS in public with shame.
G: Ya know, Georgia and South Carolina’s first meeting came before the introduction of the forward pass. It was 18-damn-96 and we hung 40 points on them. RBU, baby.
B: Didn’t know Muschamp was coaching all the way back then, too. Bet his amd Kirby’s haircuts were still the same, too.
G: I was texting my Clemson friend about how South Carolina must feel about how every team they seem to consider a heated rival eats mor chikin than your average fast food cow mascot could dream of.
B: Those chickens won’t strip themselves, you know.
G: Imagine that Dom Draper quote in the elevator but for every team in the SEC East EXCEPT Vanderbilt.
B: At least Vandy can win a title.
G: And I heard y’all were recently looking for a new nickname for your cock?
B: I’d recommend one that rolls off the tongue and is easy to swallow.
G: Y’all could have had a mascot named Cock Commander. You messed up. That’s all I have to say.
B: We’ll see who’s commanding the Cocks after Saturday. Go Dawgs!