Welcome to the SEC in a Sentence, in which I attempt to distill an entire weekend of SEC football down to 100 proof pigskin knowledge. It was another wild one in the Southeastern Conference, but in the end it all comes down to this:
Alabama: Kalen DeBoer has changed his mind, he would really like you guys to go back to grousing about his teeshirt.
Arkansas: This weekend the Hawgs come off a bye week to host LSU in a game that could secure head coaching gigs for Sam Pittman and Bobby Petrino next season.
Auburn: The Tigers also come off a bye week and are facing a Missouri team that could either beat them by 14 or make Hugh Freeze look like he’s got things going in the right direction.
Florida: You’re never going to believe this, but Billy Napier did something dumb again.
Georgia: Carson Beck threw for 459 yards and, personally, I blame Mike Bobo.
Kentucky: When Mark Stoops was cajoling fans to give Kentucky more NIL money so they could go into the transfer portal and get some difference making players I don’t think New Mexico transfer Diego Pavia was what he had in mind.
LSU: After watching LSU and Ole Miss all season I believe this was the week’s fairest result because the Bayou Bengals feel precisely four points in overtime better than the Rebels based on total body of work.
Mississippi State: I liked Michael Van Buren a lot more before we made him look like Pat Mahomes in the second half.
Missouri: Even when you win big, if you find yourself playing on the road at UMass as an SEC program you’ve already lost.
Oklahoma: It’s a bad idea to step in front of an eighteen wheeler, it’s a worse idea to hop out in front of one on crutches, and that’s my summary of what happened to a banged up Sooner squad against Texas in Red River.
Ole Miss: The Rebels faked an airboat load of injuries before actually getting maimed by a bunch of Tigers.
South Carolina: This week’s weirdest sentence is “South Carolina coach Shane Beamer said to himself ‘I think we can beat Alabama by running the ball right down their throats’ and dadgummit he was just about right.”
Tennessee: Tennessee’s main cultural contributions to America are bluegrass music, high fructose corn syrup, and playing down to their competition against crappy Florida Gator teams.
Texas: Just did the college football equivalent of running the Paris to Dakar rally without ever having to take it out of third gear.
Texas A&M: Are you absolutely sure the Aggies aren’t the second best team in the SEC right now, because I’m not and it’s causing me some mild anxiety.
Vanderbilt: Most of these sentences are tongue in cheek, but I am genuinely serious when I say I am relieved that we do not have to play the Commodores this year.
And that’s the week that was in SEC football.
Go ‘Dawgs!!!